Hey Daniel Goldman, I think you’re right that women can be pickier than men. And actually, I’d say that on average, people who are well educated and thoughtful are pickier than those who aren’t, regardless of gender.
But I think whoever wrote that op-ed is wrong in thinking that the only thing women look at when it comes to choosing a mate is what has traditionally been defined as “success.”
If success is generally closely tied to the right to educate oneself, then it seems the author is saying only men have the privilege to it without having to worry about if a cultivated brain will become a conundrum from which you cannot find a satisfactory mate.
I know many men who have lots of education, have been very financially successful, and seem to have it all. But are those men really the “successes” that thoughtful and educated women are seeking in partners?
My short answer — no.
Of course, this is only my perspective. I’m sure you could see this issue in a variety of ways.
What I think these women want (myself among them) is a partner that is living consciously, willing to examine their own baggage, good at communicating, kind, and sexy in their own way.
I want someone that knows how to negotiate mindfully over the inevitable glitches that happen in every relationship. I want someone who makes balanced and intelligent choices about how they treat their own body, mind, and soul. I want someone who desires to be kind. I want someone who is excellent at raising children with me. I want someone I can laugh with.
I don’t care nearly as much about how much education, how much money, or how much power the man I partner with has.
Maybe that’s why I chose a husband who knows how to fight, then make up. He knows how to raise our children to see all people as equal, and he spends his time taking care of himself, of our kids, of our land, and obviously of me!
So if you (and by this I mean the general male population, not specifically you Daniel) are concerned about not being up to par to be chosen by these educated and successful women we are talking about — maybe the best thing to do is to ALSO work on the things that makes you successful in OUR eyes, not your own.
As for the backlash against women being successful — it’s ridiculous. I’m glad to read your piece about this Jessica Valenti because your candid writing proves that the ability of this nonsense to veil the future is wearing very thin.
