If You Give Your Butt a Chair

He’s going to ask for an armrest.

If you give your butt a chair, he’s going to ask for an armrest.

When you give him the armrest, he'll probably ask you for a lumbar cushion.

When he’s comfy, he'll ask you for a footrest too.

Then he’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure he isn’t slowly being morphed into the shape of his comfy chair.

When he looks in the mirror, he might notice he’s looking bloated and lethargic from sitting way too much.

So he’ll probably ask you for help finding the right 30 day Instagram Fitness Butt Blaster Challenge.

When he’s finished doing 10,000 squats in 30 days, he’s going to need a massage to restore his original gluteal capacities.

He’ll start getting massages.

He might get carried away and sign up for massages, chiropractic, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation classes. With memberships!

He may even end up getting certified to teach as well!

When he’s done, he’ll probably want to take a nap.

You’ll have to fix up a little spot for him with a blanket and pillow.

He’ll crawl in, make himself comfortable, and fluff the pillow a few times.

He’ll probably ask you to stream him some of your favorite shows, but he will ask for Disney+ because Netflix is now evidently passe.

So you’ll show him one of your favorite shows, and he’ll ask to look up the backstory on the series on YouTube.

When he watches the fan-fiction channels, he’ll get so excited he’ll want to produce a show of his own.

He’ll ask to borrow your smartphone, your ring light, and your selfie-stick/tripod gizmo.

He’ll shoot some video. When the video is done he’ll want to apply his branding.

With sound effects.

Then he’ll want to publish his show on your YouTube channel.

When means he’ll need…

Login credentials.

He’ll publish his video and step back to look at it.

Looking at the screen will remind him that,

He’d like to take a load off. So…

He’ll ask for his lumbar cushion, footrest, and armrest.

And chances are if he asks for all his comfy stuff,

He’s going to want a chair to go with them.

Kaia Tingley is a writer, artist, podcaster, digital strategy nerd, and sometimes hot-tempered supernova with a wild, free soul. You can find her on Instagram here or on LinkedIn here. You can also read her column Onelove over on The Innovation here.

I help women craft a space for inner balance. Top Writer — Feminism, Climate, & Parenting. Striving to be a positive influence. Instagram @muse.of.creativity

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